I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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