My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
