While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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