Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
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Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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