My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You dont lie about slip and slides
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My vagina just clenched in fear
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
