Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
