I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
