Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
