cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Pants are for mortals
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
