Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
