2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm passing your future prison.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
