I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
