i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
