I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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