Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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