I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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