Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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