It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
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He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
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I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize