not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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