Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
