So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
