i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
