My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
