the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Randomize
