I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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