he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
