Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
