she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Randomize
