Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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