So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
