So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
