why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
