Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
