I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It's official drugs can't kill me
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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