Swine flu. Run for my life!
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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