a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
