I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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