you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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