I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
