are you still at the devil's house?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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