if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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