Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
