Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
