We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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