Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
