My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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