new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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