my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
