dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
