Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
