I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
