Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My balls are so social today.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
