At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
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Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
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His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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