Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
