like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
