Ambien. No doubt about it.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
