Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
