I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
