i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just invented taco cereal.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
