I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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