I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
